The Quantitative Roland Stephen Taylor Ubiquitous Volume
Lifeboat has had 1 recorded version released over the years. The version is a studio version recorded for the On The Fritz Project. This version was used for a concept video. It appeared on the following recordings:
written by Steve Taylor
Copyright © 1985 C.A. Music/Birdwing Music (ASCAP)
TEACHER
Good morning, class!
CLASS
Good morning, Mrs. Aryan.
TEACHER
Today we're going to play a game!
CLASS
Yeah!
TEACHER
This game is called Lifeboat. All together...
CLASS
Lifeboat!
TEACHER
Good! Lifeboat is a lesson in values clarification. Can you say values clarification?
CLASS
No.
TEACHER
Values clarification is where your little minds decide which lives are worth living and which lives are worth...ahem... not living. Now here's how we play. A big ship just sank. There are five people on the lifeboat. But the lifeboat is only made for two. I'll list the five people on the chalkboard, and you, class, will decide which three will be thrown overboard. Are we ready?
CLASS
Yes, Mrs. Aryan.
TEACHER
Good! First, there's an old, old crippled grandfather. Second, there's a mentally handicapped person in a wheelchair.
What's mentally handicapped?
TEACHER
It means they can never be a productive members of society. Third, there's an overweight woman on welfare, with a sniffling, whimpering baby.
Is the baby on welfare, too?
TEACHER
Let's not push Mrs. Aryan...
Who else is in the boat?
TEACHER
A young, white doctor with blue eyes and perfect teeth, and Joan Collins. Now, class, take five minutes to make your decision. ... Times up! Well class?
CLASS
Throw over grandpa 'cause he's getting pretty old
Throw out the baby or we'll all be catching it's cold
Throw over fatty and we'll see if she can float
Throw out the retard, and they won't be rockin' the boat
TEACHER
Very good! That was fun, wasn't it?
CLASS
Yes, Mrs. Aryan.
TEACHER
For our next lesson, we're going to do an experiment!
CLASS
Yeah!
TEACHER
We're going to test the law of gravity, just like Galileo, by dropping two objects out the window--one heavy and one light-- to see which one hits the sidewalk first. Now what shall we use for the lighter object? I'm thinking of something small and square...
CLASS
An eraser?
TEACHER
Good! And what shall we use for the heavy object? I'm thinking of something round and bouncy... Tommy, I haven't given you permission to leave your sea...class, the bell has not rung. What are you... oohh! Class...put me down! Put me down this instant! Ooohhh! Ooohhh!
CLASS
Throw over teacher and we'll see if she can bounce
We've learned our lesson--teacher says perfection's what counts
She's getting old and gray and wears an ugly coat
Throw over teacher and we'll play another game of lifeboat
Throw over grandpa 'cause he's getting pretty old
Throw out the baby, or we'll all be catching it's cold
Throw over fatty and we'll see if she can float
Throw out the retard, and they won't be rockin' the boat
Yeah!
To come.
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