03 October 03

Lisa Hopkins, a military wife and writer, is currently working in Bosnia as a civilian. As time permits Lisa will share her thoughts on this challenging adventure with all of us.

Things here have been such an eye opener, and an amazing experience thus far. I wouldn't change my decision for the world. It has been trying at times already, and especially when things go on at home, that normally I would have in pocket and taken care of in no time. Being here I feel that helplessness to do anything, and the frustration of not having direct access to the situations. Giving up that control factor wow, it makes me aware of how much of a control “freak” I was. It's a tough go sometimes. It sure plays on your mind and definitely tests your tolerance. And a crash course on submission to the things you cannot change, or have control of.

I know myself I have changed in the few short weeks that I have been here, how can one not? But the tense, stressed, and ready to pop person at every situation that happens here; has changed to a more go with the flow and deal with it as it comes. I have come to realize that no matter how fast I do it, it will still be there. Racing to the finish line to get it done all at once, will only end up hurting myself. Especially being here, when the finish line isn't going anywhere. I've really kicked it down a notch, from my normal go, go, go get it done now, attitude. It will still be there, 10 minutes, 60 minutes, and even 240 minutes. Unless it's life threatening, don't sweat it, just go with the flow, and get to it when you can. Prioritizing is definitely the key. But there's that want to do, and quickly get it taken care of, attitude. Don't get me wrong it all has to be done, but if you jump for every call, you’ll be spent in no time at all.

Speaking to the locals here, and getting out and about to Zagreb, Bihac, Drvar, Zgon, and Sarajevo has been a history 101. Especially Sarajevo. What a feeling to be in the heart of history. I am so taken back by the sites and stories of the people and places. The feeling that overwhelms you when you see sites such as the hospital where all the women, children, and babies born only a few short days, hours or minutes ago, were all massacred with no regard for life. Ethnic cleansing. The air just speaks to you, and your spirit is shaken.

When you turn to your left and look out onto the hillside you find complete disbelief, and have to really focus to believe what you see. A sea of mass graves enveloping half the hill. The crosses in the thousands, and flowing into a basin that is out of sight. A picture taken shows it’s infinite mass when the buildings in view are clear, but the grave markings are so vast that it seems out of focus and plays with the eyes. When you look at it, you think it’s like a bone slit open and you see all the holes and spaces of the marrow. You heart sinks and your spirit weeps to know that mankind did that. You can’t believe that someone can have such hate, such disregard for life. It pains me so deeply. I can’t even imagine what these people have had to endure. So much has happened, for soooo many years.