Chapter 3 - A Peaceful World - UN/NATO Tours

"In the civilian community when you lose a friend, you mourn. 

 In the military community when you lose a friend, you wonder if your husband will be next."

Larry went back to Afghanistan yesterday afternoon.  It was pretty tough emotionally.  I am afraid even though I would have liked to have said something really profound to him and shared that I loved him.  I couldn't even look him in the eye.  The pain was so great I was afraid the waterworks would come and I wouldn't be able to stop them.

I have to say sending him back the second time has been excruciating at times.  I have a friend who was in such turmoil afterwards, within a few days she had booked a flight home to her mother country.  Another leaves in January for hers.  So I know I have company in my pain and don't feel like there is something wrong with me.

Only hours after sending him off, I felt that edge of the unknown.  There is a fine line between fear and hurt.  I know I have no control over his safety, but I still fear for it.  I am desperate to somehow make it safer or better for him.  It is probably that mothering instinct.... I feel like I'm on a deathwatch and I can't shake it.  I don't think I could handle another tour.

My heart hurts and I cannot make it stop.  I need to cry, but I can't.  I know I am holding my breath again, but I cannot ever really exhale.  It's like when you cut yourself and you catch your breath waiting to see how bad it is.  I am waiting to see how bad this will be, and when I get the 'all clear', I'll let myself breathe normally again."