From the mind of a military wife

by RL, CFB Borden

Tears fell from my eyes, down my cheeks as I read the newspaper regarding the HMCS Chicoutimi.  My heart goes out to Mrs. Saunders and any military wife who has lost their husband and the father of their children. 

 I am disturbed while reading an article regarding Capt Saunders’ return to Canada. I look at my husband and my son after reading the article and I am so overwhelmed with grief and fear that I cannot speak.  The tears are falling so fast that I am unable to hide them and my husband looks at my questioningly.  I finally find my voice and the only words I can utter to my husband are “I don’t what I would do if that were you who died”. 

 Then I am hit with a realization.  I am afraid.  I realize that with grief comes fear.  The fear that knowing this tragedy was so close to home.  That it could have been my own husband who has died serving his country.  In time, I know that a sense of pride for the man he was, protecting us as Canadians will come to me and give me peace.  But I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams keeping my sanity while trying to handle this emotionally.  I am dramatic while forming images in my mind. 

 What if it were me who received a call informing me of my husband’s death?  I picture falling to my knees and weeping so hard I feel as though my soul has left my body.  I wonder if I will be able to stand up and carry on for the sake of my children and family.  Will I be able to be there for my children physically and emotionally after such a tragedy?  Having these thoughts surround my mind only make wonder again, for the umpteenth time if I am a strong enough woman to be married to and love a soldier.

 Since becoming a mother last year, my fear has intensified.  I fear not only for myself and the fear that comes with being widowed in such a horrific way, but for the emotional well being of our children.  Will they be too young to even remember the wonderful man I loved?  Whom I loved so deeply that I married him before God and later had his children. 

 That Capt Saunders’ children will not even know the courageous and wonderful man I’m sure he was fills my heart with such great sadness.  I pray for his wife that she find the strength and creativity to keep his memory alive for them at this young age and through the rest of their lives.

 I am positive I am not the only military wife in Canada and the world who has these thoughts as well.  We all are struck to the core with such horrific news and I feel as though we come together to show support for each other.  I feel such immense pride at being a military wife when I see us come collectively together for the sake of another.  We are all truly wonderful and courageous people.

 I feel that deep down I am a strong individual who can “buck up” to anything.  I know this from my past experiences as a military wife.  But alone, I wonder if I have what it takes.  It’s like my private shame.  

As I sit here late at night my mind reels.  I feel as though I have to put these thoughts on paper.  Will these words I write release me from the haunting feeling I feel?  Honestly, probably not.