By Dianne Collier
 

More times than not, HE is the inspiration for many of my articles, but when I casually mentioned the topic of this week's column, HE loudly stated that he definitely wasn't the inspiration for this one nor did he want people to think he was.  I don't see what all the fuss is about.  All I said was, I should do an article on what the world would be like if men had babies.  Seems reasonable to me.

 Have you ever voiced the thought right in the middle of another gut-wrenching contraction that you wish the love of your life really understood what childbirth was all about?  As you lie there, fat as a giant beachball trying to get comfortable in bed, have you ever told him it's 'his turn' next time?  Better yet, have you ever given serious thought as to how your little world would change if the shoe was definitely on the other swollen foot?  No need to take this vision worldwide here.  We can have enough fun just imagining our own household.

 If handsome is the macho, sports type, picture this scenario.  There he is trying to get comfortable in the chair, wearing his tummy stretch jeans and beer logo sweatshirt that is beginning to look a little tight fitting around his ever-expanding middle.  As he tries to bend over to put on his sneakers, his arms just don't seem long enough to reach past his knees.  After a few futile tries, he reluctantly says:  "Honey, would you mind calling the guys and tell them I can't make the ball game tonight - my feet are soooo swollen!"

 Better yet, just sit back and watch him try to slip into his chest waders.  Lots of leverage there because of the length of those boots, but as he tries to maneuver his 42" waist into the 34" allotted in the chest waders, a look of desperation sets in. It's just not going to work. How will he be able to fish from shore without getting wet?  In fact, how will he be able to balance on those slippery rocks when he can't see them because of his protruding tummy?  Don't even think about getting into a boat.  As he blossoms into a rotund replica of a puffer fish, his extra weight might not be conducive to keeping that little boat safely balanced. Poor thing - guess fishing of any kind is out.

 While he sits resting in his favorite recliner, you notice that in absolute frustration, he's flipped the lid on a can of beer.  Life in preggy world is not as easy at it looks.  But then you can't help but politely suggest that perhaps he might want to lay off the beer until after the baby arrives.... (Always wanted to say that didn't you!)

 Hockey would definitely be too dangerous and even hanging around that bone-chilling, cold, damp rink might not be too good for his health anyway.  So, what is a guy to do if he can't participate in the sports he loves? I guess there is always that proverbial card game with the guys.  But then they would have to refrain from smoking - not good for the baby.  Beer is also out as he is putting on way too much weight as it is.  Can't get comfortable in his chair?  Poor baby, get him a soft pillow.   Can't eat all that junk food while he attempts to become the euchre champ?  Well then, what's the point of playing cards?

 After a slow, painful process of elimination, sports seem to be 'on hold' until after the big day.  Way after.   Because then, he will be too busy changing diapers, soliciting burps, doing up bottles of formula, catching up on the laundry, cooking supper for his honey the breadwinner, and chasing the other kids around the house trying to get them to pick up their toys.  Got a fever, well sorry - he'll just have to deal with it and find some sympathy for himself in between all his household chores.  After all, a man's work is never done.

 Ladies, don't you just love it when a vision becomes so clear it almost seems real?  Guys, the next time you glance at that lovely lady and catch her is a silent, sparkling grin from ear to ear, maybe, just maybe, she's picturing you barefoot and pregnant!  Cheers!